The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I realize it’s been a long time since I posted. Sorry. Time flies when you’re having fun. (Or dealing with life!)

But I’m here briefly to share some news:

The Good

(Isn’t it odd that the vertical line is so much darker than the horizontal line? Interestingly, another good friend got a similar looking test right before I got this one.)

We are currently just over three months away from meeting the newest Calf. It’s kinda exciting.  Thankfully, this pregnancy has been much better than the last one. There was nausea, but it was easier to deal with–and nowhere near as long lasting. I’ve also not (yet) had the horrible SPD pain that was so debilitating and excruciating.

I’m hoping too, that this baby’s birth will be better than the last one *shudder.*

The Bad

I was about 6 or 8 weeks along when my dear sister found out that she was also expecting! It was exciting to think about us going through pregnancy together, though we live on different ends of of the country.

And then she started spotting, then bleeding. After a horrible Saturday in the ER she thought that all would be ok. But no; she found out on Monday night that her baby was gone. (My faith in the US maternity care system has been shaken much these past years.)

So now, my sis gets to go through a lot of the same things that I went through. And I, the one person who could support her most. . . have been dealing with my own pregnancy. Do I tell her when I feel the baby move? when I hear the baby’s heartbeat at prenatal visits? should I tell her when I’m in labor? After I lost my baby I wanted nothing to do with pregnant women or new babies–difficult as one of my best friends gave birth just two or three weeks after I lost my baby. I couldn’t even look at the poor kid for the longest time.

The Ugly

The ugly is my attitude.

Things have been so hard, for so long, that I don’t know that we can really have anything truly good in life. Oh, there are beautiful “gifts” here and there. . . golden sunsets, cute and touching things that the Calves say or do, understanding friends with comforting words. But the pains and sorrows and losses  of the past SEVEN YEARS!!! have been unending, like waves of the ocean ripping apart a stranded boat. We don’t have time to deal with, to grieve, one trouble or a loved one’s death before the next one happens. It’s just been too, too much for too long.

And it shows no sign of stopping. Even this summer, we’ve dealt with a major health issue that threatens to radically change life for our family, and not for the good.

How can I believe that this baby’s birth will be a blessing–and not yet another trauma for us to have to deal with?  How much more can we handle??  When will life calm down for us?  How do we survive when it’s been one tragedy after another?

Goodbye Cruel March

I cannot tell you how deliriously happy I am that March is coming to a close.  Goodbye, mad March.  Hello and Welcome!!  April’s got to be better!!

There are so many painful, difficult situations that have happened to me in March in years past (or not happened. . .) and this year it was just too hard to ignore them.  So much for “moving on,” as people have suggested.  “Getting over it” doesn’t seem possible.  It doesn’t seem to work for me.

It would seem that grief needs expression, whether it be 27 years (my parents’ divorce) or 19 years (my first husband’s death) or 2 years (my due date with my miscarried baby) later.

A quote from a dear friend comforted my heart this month:

“Aren’t we amazing that we have the capacity to feel and hold things so strongly after what seems like a long time. I think it must have something to do with being eternal, with God’s time, and the incredible power of love and how ever fiber of our being conforms to our experiences. Pain doesn’t just go away and people who think it does are probably holding it somewhere else and don’t realize it.”

Next year I think I must be more proactive in doing “something” to soothe my hurting heart this month before it gets too bad.  I don’t think I have the time, energy, or resources to create a foundation or anything that grand.

But maybe a daily, focused gratitude would be in order.  Or a list of his favorite things.  Or a daily joke.  Perhaps a comforting song every day.

I don’t know what, but something must be different next year.  I don’t want to repeat this year, next year!!

Suffering and Painted Skies

I was feeling run down, sick, and/or extra tired last night after dinner so I decided to spend a little quality time in the tub with a book.  (Oh, I was multi tasking–I was also “changing my hair color,” as my 7 year old said. Cause I like color!)

Anyway I bought this book 17 months ago (for just one cent!! score!) but it’s just been sitting in my reading pile, waiting.  Although I enjoy reading, I just don’t often; its takes too much time.  And if I get sucked into a book I can’t stop till it is finished, and that gets in the way of my sleeping.

But I thought the time was right for this book.  It’s not long; I was able to read it all in one night.

Besides, I knew the basic story and I thought this might be helpful for me right now.

If you are familiar with my story,  you may remember that this time of year is especially difficult for me.  And every year I get to the beginning of February and I think that things are fine.  Then we get close to the second week of February and I remember that there is a certain date coming up and I try to brush it off. “Oh, it’s fine, it wont bother me this year.”

And then that date comes up and it smacks me upside the head like a bag of bricks.  It does bother me, every year.  I thought I was handling this well but maybe I’m not, even now, nineteen years later.

So I thought I might be able to read this book last night. Who knows, maybe I just needed a good cry.  And while I did enjoy the story, it’s the perspective in it that I needed more than anything.

The basic story is that the author’s wife unexpectedly died and later he remarries. It’s a common storyline and I’m sure that many people have a similar story.  It’s my story too.

What’s unusual is the ways that  the LORD comforted him during these hard times in their lives–throughout the cancer and financial worries and even losing his beloved wife.

About halfway through the book I knew I’d hit on something good, something I needed to remember.  So I grabbed my highlighter marker, the one I’d gotten from my late father-in-law, yellow with a door in the base that twists to open a compartment with skinny post-it flags.  I flagged four passages while reading last night and putting the baby to sleep.

And because I know I’m not the only one dealing with pain, disappointments, sorrows, etc., I thought I’d share them.

page 73: “Suddenly, I saw suffering as God’s way of removing life’s nonessentials in order to reveal what is true and lasting.”

No joke!  After losing my loved ones, I hold those remaining a little more tightly and try to cherish the time we are given even more.  I can ignore the sticky table and piled up laundry and junk covering the floor–if only for a few moments.  These can be attended to later. My children, my husband, my siblings, close friends and family . . . I know they won’t be here forever.

page 91: “Late one night when I was putting Jack to bed, it occurred to me that the times of greatest growth in my life always had been times of intense difficulty and suffering.  As I looked down at Jack’s tiny form in the moonlight, it pained me to think that he too would suffer someday. I wanted to hold him, shield him from the evil in the world and protect him from any harm. Those thoughts quickly evaporated as God reminded me in my spirit that He loved this child even more than I did.

“I wanted a godly son. And if what the Bible says is true, fire brings refined gold. I stayed up that evening, meditating on the relationship between those two truths . . .”

He goes on to tell of writing a song for his baby boy, a song about finding the LORD in brokenness, learning to stand and rise above the difficult circumstances in life.

Honestly, I struggle with this. I know so many people who are hurting, truly and terribly hurting right now.  I wish I could make things easier for my loved ones.  I wish life were not so difficult for them.  I know they will be better people for what they go through, but I wish this would happen without the painful parts!

page 132-33: Isaiah 58:6-12: “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?  Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter–when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?  Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.  Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. ‘If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday.  The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.  Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.’ “

I know this isn’t very deep (I would love to study this passage in greater depth but can’t spend the time right now!) but I’ve heard it said that some people help others because it makes them feel better.  Maybe this is part of this healing that is talked about here–part of God’s plan?

page 134, “As during Cydi’s cancer treatment years, pain again had stripped away the pretense in my life. I only wanted what was real and lasting: God. When I was weary and in pain, the only thing that brought me comfort was thoughts of Jesus and His mercy.”

When everything around me is falling apart, the things that I hold to closer are things of the LORD.  I’ve found comfort in knowing that the LORD loves me, that He will make things OK in the end.  That He is close to the brokenhearted.

Although sometimes my cynicism gets the best of me.  I know I’m not alone.  A song I found when pregnant with my littlest spoke so clearly about that for me. I’ll end with this tonight. I think it’s a beautiful way to bridge the gap between the tragedy and pain . . . and the hope and healing:

Hard to Get--by Rich Mullins
You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get
You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?
And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow
All I really need to know
Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get

Superbowl, Three Years Later

Yup, another year, another Superbowl.  Great memories.  I ♥ football.

OK, sorry, not really.  This year, once again, I watched for the commercials.

And the food.

And hanging out with my friends.

(No crocheting this time, I was kinda busy.)

And the little people that joined us last time?  They are bigger now. (I really need to update the blog. . .)  And they had their friends too.

And afterwards The Bull and I had to rent a certain video. . . I don’t think I’d ever seen a certain movie in its entirety.  Well. . . . I can’t say that anymore.

And ya know what? It is fun to think of ditching reality/ real life for a day and living it up.

Let’s do that sometime, ok friend? 

Oh man, I get it! I finally get it!

I’ve always wondered about why Mary’s reaction to Gabriel’s message was so holy, so good, while Zechariah’s reaction left him mute.

Tonight we were doing our advent devotional (we are only a few days behind. . .) and I don’t know what version this is.  (But I’m too lazy to look it up, sorry.)

Zechariah:  “How can I know this will happen? I’m an old man now, and my wife is also well along in years.”  And then, of course, he said nothing else.  He couldn’t. (Luke 1.18)

Mary: “But how can I have a baby? I am a virgin.”  And then Gabriel explains what will happen, and then she says: “I am the Lord’s servant, and I am willing to accept whatever he wants. May everything you have said come true.” (Luke 1.34 and 38)

W-O-W!!!

Zechariah’s response, paraphrased: “How can I know. . . “  Well, duh, if an angel came with a message from God, you can know God will do it. He’s like that, He keeps his promises.

Mary’s response, paraphrased: “How will it work?”  She’s asking to know what will happen, more details.  She believes it will happen but wants to know how she’ll know it’s about to come about.

And then, of course, after she gets these details, her reaction is “Sure. Let’s do it.”  Paraphrased, of course. 

I’ve heard sermons for years about how she gave up her life dreams, hopes, plans for this big unknown of conceiving this Child.  At the very least, she would have understood that the attached strings had huge stigma.  Never before did I understand the hugeness of what she did.  Maybe she was looking forward to marrying her sweetheart, settling down into keeping house and raising a pile of children, first-century Nazareth style.  Being found to be pregnant before her wedding hijacked all of that.

And I keep wondering, would she have taken the trip to Bethlehem with Joseph had she not been pregnant?  She wouldn’t have needed to. She could have waited in her parents’ house for him to return to Nazareth from his trip.  When she was found to be pregnant, Joseph took her into his home early.  Who would have taken care of her while he was gone?  And by “taken care of,” I mean help her, fix the dishwasher when it breaks, haul the wet laundry to the clothesline, bring over dinner Friday night–not stone her.

Anyway, I personally don’t like to travel when pregnant, and that’s with a comfy van to drive and soft bed and easy-to-prepare food at each stop.  I hear that road conditions and accommodations in her travel route would have been much more, ah, rustic.

And even when the Bethlehem trip could have been over, they stayed there. Traveling pregnant would not have been fun. Traveling with a newborn or a one-year-old would not have been fun either.  And what would she be going home to- – a town where her reputation was somewhat tarnished?  Who would have accepted the Baby, knowing what they thought they knew about His parents?  Surely it was better for everyone involved that they stay away for a few years.

I wonder what her parents and siblings thought.  Being so far away from her home town, she effectively lost her family in a day before Facebook or email or even the U. S. Postal Service.  That’s if they would have accepted her or wanted to associate with her.

Of course, there is no way that she could have known all that would have happened in the future, all the stops that would have been different in her life because of the switch in the tracks.  And yet, Mary’s response reminds me of what Ann says: “All is grace!”  I am overwhelmed.  I don’t know that I could have said the same.

I haven’t said the same.

A flat tire?  I throw a fit.  A sick child rearranging my schedule?  I grumble and groan and get frustrated.  An unexpected move? I balk.

An unexpected end to a pregnancy?  Ouch.  My first reaction is, usually, to try to fight for what I want. (Like that would help?!)

While we were doing this devotional, my oldest asked me to spell out a particular verse. (verse 37, “For nothing is impossible with God.”)  I told him to look on the previous page of the devotional and he refused.  A moment before when we asked what he would do if God told him to do something other than what he wanted to do he said, of course, he would do what God wanted.  But he won’t even do what I tell him to do.

And I am the same way.  How can I help him to accept it all as grace, if I cannot?

I hope that I can remember this at the next fork in the road.  We all need it.

Hunting 2011, By The Numbers

About The Hunt
5.5 = number of days away from home
4 = days The Bull went out to look for caribou
11 = number of hunting excursions on those days
39 = number of caribou seen on these excursions; most were cows with calves, or bulls that were too far away
immeasureable = miles he hiked on these excursions
5 = number of caribou seen on our way home (and all right by the side of the road, and in a noisy construction zone no less!)

About The Location
59 = average high temperature (in Paxson, the closest town to our campsite)
42 = average low temperature (again, in Paxson)
4.5 = days with rain
1 = day without rain (the last one, of course, when we drove home)
1 = days of dry brush while The Bull was hunting (the first. . . it was dry when we arrived and dry when we left. . . apparently we hit a patch of rain!  Thankfully he had hip boots to keep himself dry on those wet days)
20 = percent of time there was rain during those days
1 = days our pop-up tent leaked
0 = amount of dust (but see previous item of days of rain, which yielded . . . . )
countless = amount of mud
1 = number of Iditarod mushers met on the trip

About The Hunting Party
4 = adults on the trip
6 = children on the trip
1 = baby
8 = bicycles taken out there
1 = horse on the trip
4 = tooth brushes purchased for people who had forgotten theirs (oops!!)
1 = number of times that the baby fell out of the trailer (thankfully, she did not hit the trailer tongue on the way down!!)
lots = number of diapers changed
1 = back ache for me (which is amazing, because normally it’s every day; guess I need a firmer mattress?)
7 = sets of clothing taken for each Moose child
3 = sets of clothes they went through on the first day camping (refer back to previous number of rainy days. . . . and temperature . . . )
10 = loads of laundry it took to clean up when we got home
3 = boxes of Kleenex brought with us
1 = Moose children who were sick when we left for camp
3 = Moose children who were sick when we left for home

What We Did There
just over 900 = miles driven from Anchorage, round trip
$4.85 = most expensive diesel fuel, per gallon, on our trip (Meiers Lake)
$6 = What I paid for one shower at a lodge near our campsite (a tiny shower stall in a cold shower house, mildewy, run by a generator, and very little water pressure. . . best shower I had the whole trip!) ( . . . OK, the only shower I had the whole trip! But still!)
$6 = What we paid for two showers in Glennallen (modern and clean, and neither for me)
11 = Narnia CDs listened to while driving out there and back
almost 5 = inches of the baby’s afghan I knitted while The Bull drove many of those 900 miles
about 20 = blueberries picked by Calf #2 on “Blueberry Hill,” his favorite spot near our campsite
40 or 50 = number of times the Calves and their friends hiked up to Blueberry Hill or down to the swamp
4 = days the Mooselets got to ride bikes around the camp
8 = chapters read in my book

About The Food
40 = pounds of dry ice purchased
$96 = cost of that dry ice (ouch!!!)
4 = days the dry ice kept things frozen
24 = ice cream treats that were purchased (intended to be eaten on our trip with our friends)
24 = ice cream treats that melted (it just never got warm enough to eat ice cream)
about 14 = pounds of fresh fruits and vegetables purchased (bananas, pears, oranges, lettuce, carrots)
17 = different meal items brought (macaroni and cheese, spam, canned soup, beanie weenie, tortilla chips with cheese dip and refried beans, pouches of ready-to-eat curried potatoes, granola bars, peanut butter and jelly, sliced turkey and cheese for sandwiches, cup o’noodles, instant oatmeal, dehydrated potatoes and cheese powder, canned fruit, canned juice, hot cocoa, coffee, milk)
4 = different meal items that we didn’t eat on our trip (we took waaaaaay more food out than we could have possibly eaten!)
8 = cans of spam taken out
2 = cans of spam eaten
11 = meals eaten in the wilderness
5 = meals eaten with our camping friends
5 = loaves of bread taken with us
3 = meals of sandwiches
9 = types of snacks brought (cracker/cheese packets, cookie packets, homemade cookies, gummi bears, jerky, smoked almonds, black licorice, dried fruit, corn chips)
36 = ounces of jerky taken
2 = gallon sized bucket of cookies taken

The End Results
1 = caribou that came home with us! Praise the LORD!!
468 = photos taken
Will try to post some of them next time. . . . . . . . .

Take Two

Remember this?

We are headed out again. . . . . . . same bat-location, different bat-time. Earlier this time.

But this time with a baby. (Yes, I am crazy, why do you ask?) And friends.

Catch you on the flip-side.