Things have been interesting lately, and not exactly in a fun or easy way. Our littlest, Calf #6, spent months coughing. July thru December, she had a week here, two weeks there, another week and a half another time. . . when she was NOT coughing. Poor girl. And I don’t think she was feeling well those non-coughing weeks, either. And needless to say, overnights were rough for a lot of that time, too.
Visiting with her pediatrician in October, we got the suggestion to visit a pulmonologist in Anchorage. That led to monthly trips to Anchorage and several rounds of testing, which showed that she doesn’t have cystic fibrosis and that her lungs have recently bled–substantially. Now we are trying to find out WHY. Which requires more testing, and more invasive testing; and may lead to a scary diagnosis.
Meanwhile, I’m coming to realize that The Bull’s health, while stable right now, will eventually decline to his needing a kidney transplant. According to these folks, 82% of the 123,000 people who need an organ need a kidney. All of this takes me down a dreadful road of “what if’s.” What if he can’t get a kidney when he’s ready? What if he is determined to be not a good candidate for transplant? What if his body rejects the transplanted kidney? What if there are complications during surgery? Where will we stay for the weeks or months that he will need to stay near the transplant center? How will we be able to afford this financially? We already figure we’ll need to leave good ol’ Alaska for this.
Yesterday I told a friend that we wouldn’t be seeing her today so that I could stay home and fret about Calf #6 and The Bull. I KNOW that this won’t do any good, and I KNOW that both of these situations we are far enough out that anything could change. . . but somehow it seems better in my mind to do the worrying in advance so I know what I’ll do if we get a horrible diagnosis for the baby or The Bull. I know, I know, that doesn’t do anybody any good, least of all myself.
So this morning I took a bath and thought I’d put my magazine subscription to good use. This particular issue has been around the house for a couple of years, and maybe I’ve already read it–at least, parts. It was still in my stash of books “to be read.” The cover seemed interesting. So while I soaked with nice smelling bathwater I read for encouragement in my life as mama and wife.
Now, I read magazines from back to front (I know, I’m weird) so the first article I read was the last one in the book. In reading it, the author referenced the passage in Ecclesiastes that there is a time for everything. “A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.” (3:4) It’s not an unfamiliar concept, but for some reason today it struck me as incredibly significant. Life is like this, isn’t it? We must be as ready for the hard times as we are for the good times. But for me, happy times are wonderful and hard times are an unpleasant surprise. They shouldn’t be; I know that everyone has them. Why would I be any different?
Furthermore, the article reminds, all times are the LORD’s doing. He is in control of the times and seasons and has set the good times and the hard times in their proper places. It is not for me to insist that “this isn’t what I want,” nor to be surprised when hard things happen, but to acknowledge that the LORD for some reason wants me or my family to go through these experiences.
I’m sure I’ve heard this before. I’m not sure why today this seems to be a new concept for me. Maybe it’s just never hit me this way before.
I ended up re-warming the bath water several times while I finished the magazine. Mainly, I wanted to finish it and put it away with the (few) magazines I’ve already read. Some of the articles sounded very familiar; I’m sure I read parts before sometime but not all of them.
And I’m glad I did continue to read. Another article earlier in the magazine describes a woman’s fight with fear that seemed incredibly familiar to me. Though some of the details were very different, I could relate to what she was explaining: the deep fear that immobilizes a person. Her story told of finding a quiet place of rest in the midst of difficult times, which included a pregnancy and her newborn’s early delivery and week in the NICU because of breathing trouble.
(Now, it just so happens that I know about the NICU, our littlest Calf having spent two months there. I know I haven’t said much about this. Suffice to say, it was not a very restful time or place. Not fun, either; the article did mention this.)
I read the article twice, wondering how I could reach the point that this woman had, this place of rest where she learned to trust, truly trust the LORD. She referenced Psalm 107:27-31. I guess I could start there. “Then are they glad because they be quiet; so he bringeth them unto their desired haven.”
At the very least, I think it’s significant for me to accept that the happenings in our lives, the fun AND the rough, are set there intentionally by the LORD. That His love is not dependent on whether life is easy or hard. I mean: We will go through hard times and it doesn’t mean that He no longer loves us, nor that we did something wrong.
I left the bathtub with my hair a little bit cleaner and my heart a whole lot more clearer on how Job could still bless the LORD, no matter what happened in his life. Determined to take the first step by realizing that, even if difficult, for some reason the LORD wants us to go through the situations that we are facing.
Minutes later, my phone rang. I groaned when I saw the caller ID: Someone who has hurt me in the past. Not someone I wanted to talk to.
Oh wait: what was I saying about He wants this for us, for me? Oh yeah.
The half-hour call went surprisingly well. Maybe trying to see life as His plan helped.
We’ll see how this idea plays out over the next weeks as we await results from the baby’s testing.