I realize it’s been a long time since I posted. Sorry. Time flies when you’re having fun. (Or dealing with life!)
But I’m here briefly to share some news:
(Isn’t it odd that the vertical line is so much darker than the horizontal line? Interestingly, another good friend got a similar looking test right before I got this one.)
We are currently just over three months away from meeting the newest Calf. It’s kinda exciting. Thankfully, this pregnancy has been much better than the last one. There was nausea, but it was easier to deal with–and nowhere near as long lasting. I’ve also not (yet) had the horrible SPD pain that was so debilitating and excruciating.
I’m hoping too, that this baby’s birth will be better than the last one *shudder.*
I was about 6 or 8 weeks along when my dear sister found out that she was also expecting! It was exciting to think about us going through pregnancy together, though we live on different ends of of the country.
And then she started spotting, then bleeding. After a horrible Saturday in the ER she thought that all would be ok. But no; she found out on Monday night that her baby was gone. (My faith in the US maternity care system has been shaken much these past years.)
So now, my sis gets to go through a lot of the same things that I went through. And I, the one person who could support her most. . . have been dealing with my own pregnancy. Do I tell her when I feel the baby move? when I hear the baby’s heartbeat at prenatal visits? should I tell her when I’m in labor? After I lost my baby I wanted nothing to do with pregnant women or new babies–difficult as one of my best friends gave birth just two or three weeks after I lost my baby. I couldn’t even look at the poor kid for the longest time.
The ugly is my attitude.
Things have been so hard, for so long, that I don’t know that we can really have anything truly good in life. Oh, there are beautiful “gifts” here and there. . . golden sunsets, cute and touching things that the Calves say or do, understanding friends with comforting words. But the pains and sorrows and losses of the past SEVEN YEARS!!! have been unending, like waves of the ocean ripping apart a stranded boat. We don’t have time to deal with, to grieve, one trouble or a loved one’s death before the next one happens. It’s just been too, too much for too long.
And it shows no sign of stopping. Even this summer, we’ve dealt with a major health issue that threatens to radically change life for our family, and not for the good.
How can I believe that this baby’s birth will be a blessing–and not yet another trauma for us to have to deal with? How much more can we handle?? When will life calm down for us? How do we survive when it’s been one tragedy after another?