I woke this morning remembering the significance of the day. All day long it’s been there, at the back of my mind; the busyness of the day pushed it back and made it impossible for me to dwell on it. But it won’t go away or leave me alone.
Today’s my anniversary. It’s been 18 years since I married my first husband.
A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of watching the new Narnia movie and one quote that jumped out at me was when King Caspian decided to not go on to Aslan’s Country: “I spent too long wanting what was taken from me, and not what was given.”
The turning point in my life after burying my first husband was when I moved from mourning his loss, his non-presence in my life, to the gratitude for the months we’d had together.
And I see that theme again in this lovely, wonderful, painful book, page 15:
“Our fall was, has always been, and always will be, that we aren’t satisfied in God and what He gives. We hunger for something more, something other.”
It’s been said that life is pain, that nobody gets through unscathed from griefs and sorrows. It’s so hard to accept the pain, let alone embrace it. And yet, to not embrace our painful realities is to embrace ingratitude. And really, ingratitude has a lot of an attitude of “I’m in control here and I don’t want this.” Not realistic at all. And that attitude is something that I personally know a lot about.
The attitude I need? Gratitude? how do I get there?
I think a key is found on page 22:
“I wonder too. . . if the rent in the canvas of our life backdrop, the losses that puncture our world, our own emptiness, might actually become places to see.
“To see through to God.
“That that which tears open our souls, those holes that splatter our sight, might actually become the thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond. To Him. To the God whom we endlessly crave.”
I want to remember this: to look beyond the pain. And I need to look past the hand of God. So often I get stuck there, asking Him, begging Him for what I want. I want, need, to see the heart of God in my life events, to see Him through the gut wrenching pain. It might just change my life.