It’s hard to believe that it’s already been a year (a full year!) since I miscarried. I don’t even know what to call this day. “The anniversary of the day I miscarried.” Yuck. “The day my son was born died.” Not exactly. Even the “heavenly birth day” idea doesn’t quite sound right.
It’s been a rough day.
I woke overnight, several times, as is normal when I’m pregnant. One of those times, I noticed as I looked at my watch, was the exact time that I miscarried last year.
We went out to breakfast (that was good) but when we got home I was suddenly exhausted and lay down for a nap.
I wanted to go somewhere, do something, get my mind off of the events of last year. I keep remembering the sights and sounds, sensations, emotions.
Put in a movie, one of my favorites. Prince Caspian. I ♥ Narnia. I want to go there sometime. It has been a comforting movie in the past.
A couple of quotes stuck out in my mind this time watching the show.
“He must know what he’s doing.”
I still don’t know the physical reason for miscarrying and I know I likely never will. Hormonal imbalance, maybe. Developmental issue, perhaps. I don’t know.
Beyond that, I have no idea what the LORD is doing with this. Just have to trust that He knows what He’s doing. It hurts, still, a lot. I wonder when I will not tear up just thinking about Shelomith.
“It’s not what I thought it would be, but it’s alright.”
I’m not ok with miscarrying. But at the same time, I am ok. There’s nothing I can do about it. And the whole trusting thing, again. I don’t see His reasoning. It’s not what I had hoped for, planned, wanted. . . but I’m sure it will be okay.
I usually cry when the Pevensies return to England. Today, even more so. I didn’t want to return to reality.
I want to do something. Seems like that would make this a little easier? maybe? There have been a number of things I’ve done over the past year to try to deal with my grief: a necklace, a book, a haircut. A friend mentioned this idea last week and another friend gave me a special candle. It helps, a little. Like a teacup in the ocean.
Tonight I heard this song on the radio.
The words of the chorus really stand out for me:
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there’s peace
I’m just not sure about the peace.
I’m told that this pain will ease over time. That having this baby will help immensely. Maybe I just need to call it a day and try to get a good night’s sleep.