Happy (?) Birth (?) Day

It’s hard to believe that it’s already been a year (a full year!) since I miscarried.  I don’t even know what to call this day.  “The anniversary of the day I miscarried.”  Yuck.  “The day my son was born died.”  Not exactly.  Even the “heavenly birth day” idea doesn’t quite sound right.

It’s been a rough day.

I woke overnight, several times, as is normal when I’m pregnant.  One of those times, I noticed as I looked at my watch, was the exact time that I miscarried last year.

We went out to breakfast (that was good) but when we got home I was suddenly exhausted and lay down for a nap.

I wanted to go somewhere, do something, get my mind off of the events of last year.  I keep remembering the sights and sounds, sensations, emotions.

Put in a movie, one of my favorites.  Prince Caspian.  I ♥ Narnia.  I want to go there sometime.  It has been a comforting movie in the past.

A couple of quotes stuck out in my mind this time watching the show.

“He must know what he’s doing.”
Lucy Pevensie

I still don’t know the physical reason for miscarrying and I know I likely never will.  Hormonal imbalance, maybe.  Developmental issue, perhaps.  I don’t know.

Beyond that, I have no idea what the LORD is doing with this.  Just have to trust that He knows what He’s doing.  It hurts, still, a lot.  I wonder when I will not tear up just thinking about Shelomith.

“It’s not what I thought it would be, but it’s alright.”
Peter Pevensie

I’m not ok with miscarrying.  But at the same time, I am ok.  There’s nothing I can do about it.  And the whole trusting thing, again.  I don’t see His reasoning.  It’s not what I had hoped for, planned, wanted. . . but I’m sure it will be okay.

I usually cry when the Pevensies return to England.  Today, even more so.  I didn’t want to return to reality.

I want to do something.  Seems like that would make this a little easier? maybe? There have been a number of things I’ve done over the past year to try to deal with my grief:  a necklace, a book, a haircut.  A friend mentioned this idea last week and another friend gave me a special candle.  It helps, a little.  Like a teacup in the ocean.

Tonight I heard this song on the radio.

The words of the chorus really stand out for me:

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there’s peace

I’m just not sure about the peace.

I’m told that this pain will ease over time.  That having this baby will help immensely.  Maybe I just need to call it a day and try to get a good night’s sleep.


5 Responses to “Happy (?) Birth (?) Day”

  1. Catherine Says:

    I saw your FB post and didn’t know what to say. Still don’t. I can’t imagine what it’s like to deal with this. But it is reassuring to read that you are healing, God is carrying you through, you are dealing with it all, and (most importantly) you still have your faith in God. May He bless you and your family richly. love Catherine xoxoxo

  2. Holly Says:

    How are you doing? How are you feeling as you get closer to having your baby?

    I’m sure it was a difficult day for you in remembering Shelomith. ((hug))

  3. Tina Says:

    Hi, I just found your blog through WWY @ Sufficient Grace. I can relate so much, the first thing that grabbed me was “heavenly birthday”
    That was so hard for me too, at first….it didn’t feel right to “celebrate” I really had too adjust my perspective. Had to start looking at that day from Isaac & Hannah’s eyes. The day they opened their eyes & saw Jesus sweet smiling face is something worth celebrating. However, for me~left here without them…it’s very hard. On another note I see your workin on your Rainbow Baby, Praise God! I’ll be praying everytime God puts you on my heart OK? I now have my daughter Hope (Jer 29:11) & I know how 9 months feel like 9 years! LOL
    And lastly, do you homeschool? Wondering cuz I do =) Got that impression from your blog. Looking forward to getting to know you better.
    Blessings, Tina~

  4. Crystal Theresa Says:

    I like the quotes you shared from Prince Caspian. I think I’m getting to that place, too… accepting what happened, acknowledging that God knows what he’s doing, but still not feeling quite right with it all myself. And I’m okay with that… most of the time… I think.

    Sending you love and hugs.

  5. Page not found « Purple Moose Tracks Says:

    […] Comments Crystal Theresa on Happy (?) Birth (?) DayTina on Happy (?) Birth (?) DayHolly on Happy (?) Birth (?) DayJennifer on Pregnancy After […]

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