Please Pass the Cheese

Warning: The following post is a whiny rant.  Read with caution.  😦

“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” ~ the Man in Black, The Princess Bride

I keep going back to this quote.  It seems to be true for so many areas of life!  Pregnancy is no different.  The word that keeps coming to my mind for this pregnancy is “debilitating.”

Physically everything is normal with me and the baby.  I need to remember that and keep that in the front of my mind.

Still. . . this just hasn’t been a whole lot of fun some days.  Yesterday in particular was rough.

I’d not slept well the night before.  I don’t know how long I laid there staring at first one wall and then the other.  Rolling over in bed while pregnant is hard. . . difficult to do and painful.  Lying on my left side is not terribly comfortable and lying on my right side aggravates the heartburn.

I was angry, really angry.  The discomforts of pregnancy are huge right now, and they really get in the way with all the little things that I enjoy in life and the things I want and need to do.  I was tired of being pregnant . . . I changed my mind, I don’t want a baby anyway!

I woke earlier than I wanted to, considering I’d been up so much overnight, and started on my morning routine:  eat a protein bar, gag down the first of four or five piles of supplements, brush my teeth (and gag again.)  (I don’t know where this overactive gag reflex comes from, but it’s been here the duration of this pregnancy.  Don’t tell my dentist but I haven’t flossed in months because it, too, causes problems.)  Shower quickly then go back and lie down and catch my breath.  Because just taking a shower wears me out.

I don’t do well without enough sleep to begin with.  But for whatever reason, that triggers nausea for me.  Yes I am in the third trimester, but I am still dealing with nausea periodically.  Thankfully, it is not the all-day, all-intensive nausea like what I had in the first trimester; but it still difficult to deal with.

The Bull had been up part of the night too, with a bad sore throat.  He went to the doctor and got medications for strep throat.  Calf #2 has had congestion and a cough; it seems to be getting worse instead of better.  Yippee skippee!! Let’s all be sick too.  That would be just great.

As the day progressed, my mood sank lower and lower.  The three mooselets were too noisy, too wound up.  With the SPD type pain that I have had (for the past two months!!), getting out and about is hard.  Walking around our little place is hard.  Getting into our vehicle to go anywhere is not a pleasant thought.  The fatigue/ lack of energy makes it hard to do simple tasks.  We’ve spent most of the summer inside because I can’t fathom taking the kids places where I’d need to run after them.  Nice summer, ha ha, stuck inside all the time?  Cabin fever is supposed to be just in the winter and yet I was feeling it in August.  No wonder the kids are all wound up.  They’re truly bored!

I find myself needing to eat every couple of hours this pregnancy.  But while most pregnant women have food cravings, I go the other way.  Aversions, they call them.  I get a rumbly in my tummy and I look at what’s in the fridge, the freezer, the pantry. . . then shut the door and go back and sit down, totally repulsed by what I saw and smelled.  Few foods sound appetizing.  And yet, the tummy. . . the baby. . . must be fed!  Otherwise the nausea comes up again.

But what’s really fun is when I figure out something that actually doesn’t sound too bad, and spend the time and effort cutting up veggies and cooking up the meat and putting it all together.  And then sit down to eat it.  And my stomach turns.  Yeah. . . good times.  So I’ve mainly relied on frozen foods this pregnancy.  And one of the few things that sounds good is macaroni and cheese.  But I can’t live on that alone for the entire pregnancy.  Don’t even ask me how much of it I’ve eaten.

So I found something that I think I can tolerate and sat at the computer to read the news. . . blogs. . . emails. . . whatever I can find to distract my focus from the nasty stuff in the bowl.  (And it’s hard to type up blog posts or even leave comments while trying to eat.  Trust me, I’ve been working on this post for a long time.  This has severely and adversely affected my blogging.)

In the afternoon I laid down and tried to nap.  Woke after an hour, moaned and groaned while turning to the other side, took some of my current heartburn remedy.  Right now the heartburn is limited to when I’m laying down.  And when my tummy is empty.  So dealing with it is relatively easy, I just eat up a handful or two of hazelnuts.  But before long they won’t work any more and the heartburn will be an all day thing; then it will be Tums to the rescue.  I slept a little longer and woke in a bit of a panic when I realized I needed to get dinner fixed and on the table before The Bull got home.

Dinner.  Yuck.

And I have nearly 3 months of this left?!?!?!

I found myself wishing I was not pregnant, thinking I could not last another day of this.  As in, Take me to the hospital tonight and let’s just have this baby now!!

Never mind that at not quite 30 weeks, the prognosis for said baby would not be much fun.

So after a dinner that I couldn’t eat, I loaded the kids into the van and drove to a local fast food establishment (or four.)  A cheese burger and fries, fried chicken and mashed potatoes, ice cream for the kids.  Heard on the radio about someone whose baby is sick, seriously sick. Made a note of the website with the intent of looking it up later.

Back home I get the kids settled with their ice cream and start eating my own dinner(s.)

I tried to convince myself that another couple of months of pregnancy would be OK.  Looking at the Wikipedia page on preterm birth and reading that likely a baby born right now would spend two to three months (or more) in the NICU.  Surely that would be harder than these pregnancy symptoms, right?

Put the kids to bed (oh blissful time) and look up that website for the sick baby.  Perhaps you’ve heard of the Christian contemporary music group Sanctus Real?  The blog is called Bowen’s Heart.  It’s about the lead singer’s new son Bowen, and he has Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS).   And. . . . my heart breaks.  They are kinda vague on the details but it sounds like they’ve been through the wringer the past couple of days.

So I finished the night with a much better state of mind, a little bit of hope for a better day.  Could have been the fried chicken. . . but I know that getting a different perspective on pregnancy was good also.

Today, contrariwise, has been a fairly good day.  Had a better night.  I remembered to take my homeopathics at bedtime, slept much better.  I think I can make it a few more days being pregnant.  Got to the chiropractor for an adjustment and a new thing called craniosacral therapy.  We’ll give it a try and see if it helps anyway.

I got home and read through the latest blog posting about the little baby Bowen.  The story does not sound like fun, one of the pictures is visually hard to look at.  I did not know they could do that kind of thing.  The song, “All of Me,” knocks my socks off. The first lines hit me pretty hard.  “Afraid to love, something that could break, could I move on if you were torn away. . . .”  Yeah, I can so relate to this.  It’s been hard for me to really want to connect with this new baby I’m carrying, with the fear of losing him or her like we lost Shelomith.

And yet, I know it’s not fair to #5 to not love him or her. . .

****Disclaimer:  Yes, I do feel like a bit of a weenie complaining.  I know women who have dealt with infertility or multiple pregnancy losses and would give anything to be pregnant, at any cost.  Bedrest, morning sickness, aches and pains, difficult labor, they wouldn’t care and would happily do any of it just for the chance to have a baby.  And after miscarrying last year I felt almost desperate to conceive again, to have another baby.  The best part is that I know that once baby is here 90% of my symptoms will disappear.  Literally, within minutes of birth!  (The remaining 10% will disappear after a few weeks to a few months.)  I just have to hang on a few more months. . . a year from now this will all fade away and all I will remember is the bliss of our precious baby. . .

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4 Responses to “Please Pass the Cheese”

  1. Catherine Says:

    You poor dear! I can understand completely and utterly how you feel because it sounds like you were reading my mind a few years back when I was in the exact same situation! Every hour felt like a day and every day like a year. Moving was painful and I was chronically exhausted yet couldn’t sleep very well. Food that seemed appetizing while I was preparing it was suddenly repulsive when it was time to eat.

    But, I was not in the situation of dealing with a pregnancy after miscarriage, so I don’t know how that feels and I don’t know what to say except that I don’t doubt that you will love this child just as much as all the rest when he/she is born.

    I was in a situation where I did NOT want to be pregnant again. I had already had one unplanned baby (thanks to a broken condom) and my next one was courtesy of my husband’s vasectomy gone wrong (tubes grew back after he got the ‘all clear’). I knew how lucky I was to be pregnant when, as you said, so many other women wanted a baby to badly. One of my friends had been trying unsuccessfully for years and has now resigned herself to being childless. Still, I didn’t think I would be able to love another child – I already had 3 under 4 years of age and was so busy and distracted and depressed. But I did love her the moment I saw her, and so will you.

    Sorry for the long comment.

  2. purplemoose Says:

    Thank you Catherine. 🙂 Somehow it helps to know I’m not alone in this.

  3. nani Says:

    awww girl!! I hope that some switch flips and the last 3 months go better than you are anticipating!! HUGS!! ♥

  4. Holly Says:

    Complain away. As pregnant women we have a right to complain. I hate heartburn. I take a Zantac every morning but sometimes it doesn’t work. This kid does have hair for sure b/c we saw it on US! lol

    I hope that all these symptoms will ease up on you since you still have a couple months to go.


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