So here we are, end of June. Summer in Alaska. I’ve not been blogging very consistently (and really missing some of my favorite memes!) Sorry! I’d like to get back to it but I fear that it will be a while longer. We’ve had a crazy few months here and I don’t expect life to calm down any time soon.
We expected that the month of March would bring us a new baby but instead, a miscarriage in October ended that dream.
We had plenty of other difficulties that month. Some I haven’t been able to blog about (like financial stuff and what not.) Some I already have (like when The Bull’s sister diagnosed with breast cancer. . . today she has chemo round 2 of 12 and is doing pretty well.)
Big, life changing things. Changes that are difficult to deal with.
Have I ever mentioned how much I dislike change? Yeaaah.
Somewhere in the midst of the difficult and painful month, I got some good news in the shape of a plus sign.
It’s a good thing, really it is; but in the midst of all the other changes, it has been hard to really relax and enjoy this pregnancy.
(Ha ha ha, do you like my little joke? How does one relax with nausea and exhaustion?? And especially after losing a baby, and that fear of losing this one too?)
But the nausea and exhaustion were not that bad this time (thankfully, as the other life changes added their own bit of nausea and exhaustion.) And in a sense, dealing with these life changes helped to keep me distracted from the fears of “am I going to lose this baby too?”
Now I’m at 17 weeks, most of the life changes have mellowed, and the nausea and exhaustion are gone!! I’m into the second trimester.
Last week brought a converging of two difficult events and I am glad to be done with them as I had been dreading them. Last week, in 2009, we conceived Shelomith. (TMI? Sorry!) Last week, in 2010, in this new pregnancy? I was at the same gestational age as where I was when we lost Shelomith.
(No, I don’t know how I keep having this kind of stuff happen, like his due date being the same day as my first husband’s death, or my son badly burning his hand on my anniversary, or miscarrying right before my birthday. But please, LORD? Can we stop this?)
(I don’t think it will. More difficulties came up again the Monday after Father’s day. Yikes!!!)
As far as the baby goes, everything is going well. I cried when we first heard his/her heartbeat. (We’d never heard Shelomith’s heart beat.) I am feeling good and starting to think that maybe we really will be having a baby this time.
But I still have some fears that I need to deal with. One of the biggest is that there is something wrong with the baby. I know this is a common fear for many moms-to-be. Mine is not based on any real situation. It’s just my pessimistic attitude . . . when I look at all the pain and troubles of these past few years and I figure that we couldn’t possibly have smooth sailing with this pregnancy and baby.
I also seem to run into all sorts of people who are dealing painful situations with their children, from cancer to life threatening diseases in utero to severe birth defects. . . knowing that sometimes the LORD has prepared me for difficulty in this way makes me really wonder what’s going on with this baby now! And maybe my midwife is right and this is an expression of grief and fear from miscarrying last year.
(She’s recommended that I take some specific steps to deal with these fears and I am planning to follow her recommendations. I am kind of surprised at how much fear is a part of my life.)
And if you could spare a prayer or two for me, that would be helpful too!! 🙂
Onward we go!