Merriam-Webster defines “Desperate” like this:
1 a : having lost hope <a desperate spirit crying for relief> b : giving no ground for hope <the outlook was desperate>
2 a : moved by despair <victims made desperate by abuse> b : involving or employing extreme measures in an attempt to escape defeat or frustration <made a desperate leap for the rope>
3 : suffering extreme need or anxiety <desperate for money>
4 : involving extreme danger or possible disaster <a desperate situation>
5 : of extreme intensity
6 : shocking, outrageous
— des·per·ate·ness noun
That number 3, that fit me this morning.
It started out very badly. The girl calf–just last week–started screaming at bedtime when she is left in her room and waking overnight. Since she has a cold, I expect her to wake coughing. What I don’t expect is the screaming when we try to lay her back down. She has seemed to be afraid to be alone in her room, so The Bull and I have set her up in the porta-crib in our room. That helps at bedtime, but she is still waking overnight, and screaming. Needless to say, The Bull and I are both very tired and need this little girl to get back to sleeping well.
This morning, she woke at 3 and didn’t want to be put back into the porta-crib. It took some time to convince her that we would be here still, just a foot away from her. She then woke a few hours later when I got up for the day and would not settle down. Finally, after holding and rocking and talking calmly with her–I just plopped her into the crib in her own room and let her cry herself back to sleep. 😦 I hate this. I know she’s feeling the unsettled-ness of our lives right now. But I’m barely hanging on myself, how can I help her?
Consequently, my greatly needed “alone” time, where I get myself ready for the day and the children, was greatly shortened. When the boy calves woke up. I did not feel ready to greet them with a smile and a hug and a nutritious breakfast. How fun to have a grouchy mama, hmm?
It has been a rough couple of weeks at our house. Most recently was our cat’s recent medical emergency. Early last week, we unexpectedly lost our baby . The emotional pain has been so great that I just want to escape by watching a video and knitting, or by curling up into a little ball to wait for things to calm down. (Well, the knitting is therapeutic anyway right?)
I was reminded earlier today that it is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. It is celebrated in the US and Canada (and other countries too) by lighting a candle from 7 to 8 p.m. local time to remember infants lost through miscarriage, stillbirth, or other loss. A couple of my favorite bloggers are remembering this day, too.
Who makes this stuff up? Exactly how is this helpful? Maybe it’s just not good timing for me right now, because our loss is so fresh and new and big on our minds.
To a certain extent, there is nothing that anybody can say or do that will make it better, or make it hurt less. People have brought meals and cookies and suckers for the kids; on Tuesday night the neighbor’s wife brought a delicious, hot-from-the-oven pie for us and a can of cat food for Boots. There have been hugs galore, and many phone calls and beautiful cards and thoughtful emails. We are surrounded by loving friends and family and people have been caring and generous. While I am thankful for all of this. . . well, the pain is still there.
Last week, I got to talk with some good friends. One of them talked in great detail about how much God loves us. How He has gone to prepare a place for us, in much the same way that a groom would prepare a home for his bride. How He has anointed us and set His seal of ownership upon us. How He will never leave us or forsake us. This was at a somewhat formal event and the topic of my friend’s discussion was set at least a month ago. Neither she nor I knew the turn of events that would come into play for me by that time.
Whoa. What awesome timing! And, ya know? it was just what I needed to hear.
Christianity has been described as a “grand romance,” wherein the LORD pursues us because of His great love for us. So many see Him as the Great Punisher . . . and yes, there are times when He must discipline us. But even that is done because of His love for us.
Another friend, the following day, talked about the passage where we are called “the apple of His eye.” The meaning there, I heard a few days later, was that it is as if the LORD was standing so close to me that He could see Himself reflected in my eyes. This shows an intimacy that one doesn’t have with just a casual friend. This is reserved for one who is intimately close. Even last night, a friend came to hug me and I couldn’t even look her in the eye. And yet my LORD gets closer.
So this morning, while the boys were eating their breakfast, I got onto You Tube and found a song that had been running through my head.
Did you catch that? It’s huge:
What heights of love
What depths of peace
When fears are stilled
When strivings cease
My all in all
Here in the love of Christ I stand
And somehow it calmed my heavy heart.
Oh dear LORD, let it be for me: not to fall under the weight of this pain, but to stand in Your love. Thank You, LORD, for your precious promises!
(Join Lynn this month to share Thankful Thursday postings. It’s wonderfully therapeutic, even better than knitting a shawl while watching The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. . . trust me on this one.)