Tonight we were doing our advent devotional (we are only a few days behind. . .) and I don’t know what version this is.  (But I’m too lazy to look it up, sorry.)

Zechariah:  “How can I know this will happen? I’m an old man now, and my wife is also well along in years.”  And then, of course, he said nothing else.  He couldn’t. (Luke 1.18)

Mary: “But how can I have a baby? I am a virgin.”  And then Gabriel explains what will happen, and then she says: “I am the Lord’s servant, and I am willing to accept whatever he wants. May everything you have said come true.” (Luke 1.34 and 38)

W-O-W!!!

Zechariah’s response, paraphrased: “How can I know. . . “  Well, duh, if an angel came with a message from God, you can know God will do it. He’s like that, He keeps his promises.

Mary’s response, paraphrased: “How will it work?”  She’s asking to know what will happen, more details.  She believes it will happen but wants to know how she’ll know it’s about to come about.

And then, of course, after she gets these details, her reaction is “Sure. Let’s do it.”  Paraphrased, of course. 

I’ve heard sermons for years about how she gave up her life dreams, hopes, plans for this big unknown of conceiving this Child.  At the very least, she would have understood that the attached strings had huge stigma.  Never before did I understand the hugeness of what she did.  Maybe she was looking forward to marrying her sweetheart, settling down into keeping house and raising a pile of children, first-century Nazareth style.  Being found to be pregnant before her wedding hijacked all of that.

And I keep wondering, would she have taken the trip to Bethlehem with Joseph had she not been pregnant?  She wouldn’t have needed to. She could have waited in her parents’ house for him to return to Nazareth from his trip.  When she was found to be pregnant, Joseph took her into his home early.  Who would have taken care of her while he was gone?  And by “taken care of,” I mean help her, fix the dishwasher when it breaks, haul the wet laundry to the clothesline, bring over dinner Friday night–not stone her.

Anyway, I personally don’t like to travel when pregnant, and that’s with a comfy van to drive and soft bed and easy-to-prepare food at each stop.  I hear that road conditions and accommodations in her travel route would have been much more, ah, rustic.

And even when the Bethlehem trip could have been over, they stayed there. Traveling pregnant would not have been fun. Traveling with a newborn or a one-year-old would not have been fun either.  And what would she be going home to- – a town where her reputation was somewhat tarnished?  Who would have accepted the Baby, knowing what they thought they knew about His parents?  Surely it was better for everyone involved that they stay away for a few years.

I wonder what her parents and siblings thought.  Being so far away from her home town, she effectively lost her family in a day before Facebook or email or even the U. S. Postal Service.  That’s if they would have accepted her or wanted to associate with her.

Of course, there is no way that she could have known all that would have happened in the future, all the stops that would have been different in her life because of the switch in the tracks.  And yet, Mary’s response reminds me of what Ann says: “All is grace!”  I am overwhelmed.  I don’t know that I could have said the same.

I haven’t said the same.

A flat tire?  I throw a fit.  A sick child rearranging my schedule?  I grumble and groan and get frustrated.  An unexpected move? I balk.

An unexpected end to a pregnancy?  Ouch.  My first reaction is, usually, to try to fight for what I want. (Like that would help?!)

While we were doing this devotional, my oldest asked me to spell out a particular verse. (verse 37, “For nothing is impossible with God.”)  I told him to look on the previous page of the devotional and he refused.  A moment before when we asked what he would do if God told him to do something other than what he wanted to do he said, of course, he would do what God wanted.  But he won’t even do what I tell him to do.

And I am the same way.  How can I help him to accept it all as grace, if I cannot?

I hope that I can remember this at the next fork in the road.  We all need it.

About The Location
59 = average high temperature (in Paxson, the closest town to our campsite)
42 = average low temperature (again, in Paxson)
4.5 = days with rain
1 = day without rain (the last one, of course, when we drove home)
1 = days of dry brush while The Bull was hunting (the first. . . it was dry when we arrived and dry when we left. . . apparently we hit a patch of rain!  Thankfully he had hip boots to keep himself dry on those wet days)
20 = percent of time there was rain during those days
1 = days our pop-up tent leaked
0 = amount of dust (but see previous item of days of rain, which yielded . . . . )
countless = amount of mud
1 = number of Iditarod mushers met on the trip

About The Hunting Party
4 = adults on the trip
6 = children on the trip
1 = baby
8 = bicycles taken out there
1 = horse on the trip
4 = tooth brushes purchased for people who had forgotten theirs (oops!!)
1 = number of times that the baby fell out of the trailer (thankfully, she did not hit the trailer tongue on the way down!!)
lots = number of diapers changed
1 = back ache for me (which is amazing, because normally it’s every day; guess I need a firmer mattress?)
7 = sets of clothing taken for each Moose child
3 = sets of clothes they went through on the first day camping (refer back to previous number of rainy days. . . . and temperature . . . )
10 = loads of laundry it took to clean up when we got home
3 = boxes of Kleenex brought with us
1 = Moose children who were sick when we left for camp
3 = Moose children who were sick when we left for home

What We Did There
just over 900 = miles driven from Anchorage, round trip
$4.85 = most expensive diesel fuel, per gallon, on our trip (Meiers Lake)
$6 = What I paid for one shower at a lodge near our campsite (a tiny shower stall in a cold shower house, mildewy, run by a generator, and very little water pressure. . . best shower I had the whole trip!) ( . . . OK, the only shower I had the whole trip! But still!)
$6 = What we paid for two showers in Glennallen (modern and clean, and neither for me)
11 = Narnia CDs listened to while driving out there and back
almost 5 = inches of the baby’s afghan I knitted while The Bull drove many of those 900 miles
about 20 = blueberries picked by Calf #2 on “Blueberry Hill,” his favorite spot near our campsite
40 or 50 = number of times the Calves and their friends hiked up to Blueberry Hill or down to the swamp
4 = days the Mooselets got to ride bikes around the camp
8 = chapters read in my book

About The Food
40 = pounds of dry ice purchased
$96 = cost of that dry ice (ouch!!!)
4 = days the dry ice kept things frozen
24 = ice cream treats that were purchased (intended to be eaten on our trip with our friends)
24 = ice cream treats that melted (it just never got warm enough to eat ice cream)
about 14 = pounds of fresh fruits and vegetables purchased (bananas, pears, oranges, lettuce, carrots)
17 = different meal items brought (macaroni and cheese, spam, canned soup, beanie weenie, tortilla chips with cheese dip and refried beans, pouches of ready-to-eat curried potatoes, granola bars, peanut butter and jelly, sliced turkey and cheese for sandwiches, cup o’noodles, instant oatmeal, dehydrated potatoes and cheese powder, canned fruit, canned juice, hot cocoa, coffee, milk)
4 = different meal items that we didn’t eat on our trip (we took waaaaaay more food out than we could have possibly eaten!)
8 = cans of spam taken out
2 = cans of spam eaten
11 = meals eaten in the wilderness
5 = meals eaten with our camping friends
5 = loaves of bread taken with us
3 = meals of sandwiches
9 = types of snacks brought (cracker/cheese packets, cookie packets, homemade cookies, gummi bears, jerky, smoked almonds, black licorice, dried fruit, corn chips)
36 = ounces of jerky taken
2 = gallon sized bucket of cookies taken

The End Results
1 = caribou that came home with us! Praise the LORD!!
468 = photos taken
Will try to post some of them next time. . . . . . . . .

We are headed out again. . . . . . . same bat-location, different bat-time. Earlier this time.

But this time with a baby. (Yes, I am crazy, why do you ask?) And friends.

Catch you on the flip-side.

That’s happened for me this week, multiple times.

Monday, for instance. I dropped the children off at a vacation Bible school and came back a little early to pick them up.  I was feeling really low that night.  (Not enough sleep? not taking my vitamins? A full day of dreary drippy weather? I don’t know.)

But the VBS theme (PandaMania, if you are interested) and the songs they sang that night were soooo incredibly . . . . well, just what I needed.

“Wild About Us”

“God is wild about us!”

“Not Forgotten,” originally by Israel and New Breed

“I am not forgotten, I am not forgotten, I am not forgotten, God knows my name!”

“He Knows My Name,” originally by Tommy Walker

“I have a Father
He calls me His own
He’ll never leave me
No matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and He hears me when I call”

Oh–and the memory verse that night–Psalm 139 : 14, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”  A verse that I love and hate.

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And then there was yesterday.  Lately we’ve been listening to audio cd’s in the van while we go from place to place.  (We’ve found some good ones, too, but that’s another story.)

The past few days, however, I’ve been listening to KLOVE. I like the music and it is usually encouraging.

The songs they have been playing this week are songs that were encouraging to me last year–when I was pregnant after having miscarried and miserable.  But this year, the things that are standing out to me are slightly different.

Yesterday’s songs:

Laura Story “Blessings”

“‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise”

Josh Wilson “Dark Before The Morning”

“Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
Its just the dark before the morning”

These lines helped me get through last summer.  This time, though?  These ones are hitting me:

“Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory”

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Then, this morning, I was at a business and they were playing contemporary Christian music off iTunes.  Five out of six songs just knocked my socks off.  And they are all oldies (but goodies.)

Casting Crowns, “Praise You In This Storm”

“I will praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For you are who you are, no matter where I am”

One of my perennial favorite songs. Timely, literally, considering the rain this week.

Barlow Girl, “I Need You To Love Me”

“Why, why are You still here with me?
Didn’t You see what I’ve done? . . .
I don’t deserve You
But I need You to love me
And I, I won’t keep my heart from You this time
I’ll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have . . .
I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You
Could cherish me
But You’re a God who has all things
And still you want me?”

Especially after Monday’s depressed evening. . . hey, did that really say “cherish”?!?!

TobyMac, “Made To Love”

“I was made to love
And be loved by You”

I forget that part. This life isn’t as much about me loving Him as it is about Him loving me.

Stellar Kart, “Me and Jesus”

“Someone loves you even when you don’t think so
Don’t you know, you’ve got me and Jesus
By your side through the fight,
You will never be on your own,
You’ve got me and Jesus.”

Sanctus Real, “Don’t Give Up On Love”

“I heard you say you can’t change a stubborn heart
I can relate ’cause that’s how I feel when I talk with you”

I know that I tend to be a wee bit stubborn. . . I guess?  It’s hard for me to believe these songs sometimes, but I know that they are all true.  Do I need constant reminders? or do I need to give up this stubbornness once for all and just believe?

(This song is also a sad reminder for me of a good friend whose husband has abandoned her.)

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What do you think? Am I nuts?  Does this kind of thing ever happen to you, where song after song just hits you like this?

The Four Young Adults were arrested 22 June. One young man appears to be a career criminal with a rap sheet as long as my arm.  Two others have a pretty good start on their life of crime: a young man and a young lady.  (To be honest, she has been a defendant in several of her cases.)  The fourth is a young lady who seemed to have a promising future; a Google search shows awards and honor roll listings and no prior offenses.  Both young ladies had young daughters.  The Bull attended their arraignment.  One of the young ladies was crying, wondering who would take care of her daughter.

Most posted bail and were out of jail within a week or two.  We were still not sure why they picked our house to rob and burglarize, or if they would return.  The stolen and recovered items would be returned to us; we hoped soon.  But the broken and missing things we only had hopes of getting money back.

Needless to say, this added to my already high anxiety level with being pregnant with unusual symptoms after miscarrying.  How do you tell the kids that no, someone wouldn’t be interested in stealing their toys when thieves broke in and carried off board games?!

You would think that this would be a quick ordeal as the persons were caught red handed.  Oh No Not At All.  The Grand Jury trial was within the month, but their court dates were pushed back again and again, month after month.

In October we spent substantial time trying to place values on our belongings.  How do you estimate the value of something purchased brand new for a small fortune in 1970, a family treasure, that now can only be purchased used for about a hundred bucks?  How do you value a hand made, one of a kind item made by someone now deceased?  Items that you weren’t even sure how many you had?  The restitution is only allowed to be actual purchase price as proven by receipts or actual replacement value.

All Four Young Adults finally made Plea Agreements in January/ February of this year.  You would think that this would end the ordeal.  Oh No Not At All.  We still had to wait to be allowed to claim our stolen property.  (We finally got our items back on 9 June 2011.)

Then there is the matter of restitution for the items that were damaged or disposed of (including The Bull’s father’s camera.)  Part of the Plea Agreements was that we would receive from these Four Young Adults money to replace these items.  If nothing else, we figured we would get our due in October 2011 when their Alaska Permanent Fund Dividends would be garnished.

The matter is concluded, right?  Oh No Not At All.  Last Friday we were informed that one of these Four Young Adults (Mr. Career Criminal) is contesting the restitution.  The Bull needs to rearrange his work schedule to take substantial time off to make a 3 hour drive, one way, to take to the court paperwork that they have already been given and testify.

Where is the justice?????  We have been wronged and yet the courts allow these criminals to continue to delay justice.  I am SO frustrated right now I want to scream!!

Alternately titled, “Why My House is a Constant Mess.”

Step 1, gather supplies.  Window cleaner, swifter duster thingey, paper towels.

Step 2, move back the curtains.

Step 3, pick up curtains off the floor since the rod on which they were hanging was almost out of the loops and you didn’t notice until the rod fell off.

Step 4, decide to fix the curtain later.

Step 5, figure that the other curtain will be easier to just hang back up when you are done since it’s fallen out of the loops too.  Pull it down and set it aside with the other one.

Step 6, man this is thirsty work!  Grab a swig of water quickly and get back to it.

Step 7, extend the blinds the full length in preparation for cleaning them.

Step 8, take the swifter duster thingey and swab in between the slats of the blinds.

Step 9, lift the four year old over the baby gate so he can go wash his hands.

Step 10, change the swifter duster thingey pad and swab a few more slats.

Step 11, grab another swig of water, since you have to take a break anyway.

Step 12, finish swabbing the blinds, change to a fresh pad, and put the duster thingey away.

Step 13, lift the four year old back over the baby gate so he can color.

Step 14, answer the phone and tell hubby what to pick up for dinner.

Step 15, give the baby her sippy cup so she’ll stop fussing.

Step 16, spray the window with window cleaner.

Step 17,wash the finger prints and sticky stuff and dead bugs off the window.

Step 18, suggest to the six year old that he not jump off the couch onto his sister.

Step 19, wipe the dead bugs out of the window track.

Step 20, look at watch and panic because it’s dinner time!  Quickly hang up the curtains again and put away the supplies.

Step 21, eat dinner.

Step 22, start a blog post about the process so your friends can laugh and show solidarity.

Step 23, put it aside to wash dishes and get kids to bed.

Step 24,  realize it’s been two years since you started washing the window but never finished.  The “six year old” is now almost nine.  The “four year old” is now six years old.  The “baby” is nearly four.  There is a new baby who wants to be held.

Step 25, hire a neighbor’s teenage daughter to wash the windows.

Total elapsed time:  2 years, 1 month, 5 days, 41 minutes 28 seconds.

*sigh*

Repeat for the other 5 windows in the house.

Here are a few bits of blessing among the pieces of the week. . .which included taking Calf #3 to the emergency room!

~ The Bull’s aunt available on a moment’s notice to watch the boy calves while I went with the girl calves to the ER
~ PBS Kids on the tv
~ Finding that the little girl was OK, just a wee bit sick
~ Spending only two hours there
~ Several naps for the sick girl; one on the living room floor when she woke disoriented “Mama, where am I?”
~ A good night’s sleep for her and feeling better

You can find the gratitude community here

A few snippets of joy from last week:

~ A very understanding nurse at the babe’s doctor’s office
~ Pizza and bread sticks and fresh strawberry shortcake with friends
~ Time to refresh at a home school convention, and getting to spend time with friends there
~ Finally meeting my cousin’s babe, just a few months younger than mine
~ A trip to the museum where the children were engaged and intrigued
~ Chocolate covered cherry flavored coffee!!

You can find the gratitude community here

A few bits of joy from the last two weeks:

~ From my three-year-old daughter:  “Baby’s dripping!” (when she drools)
~ Motherwear gift certificate from a dear friend, and new shirts
~ Watching Sesame Street videos on Youtube with the children
~ A quote that I’d like to be said about me someday:

“My mother had a slender, small body, but a large heart — a heart so large that everybody’s grief and everybody’s joy found welcome in it, and hospitable accommodation.”
Mark Twain

quoted here; I especially like the “slender, small body” part 
~ Windmill cookies that remind me of my grandma
~ A fun conversation between The Bull and Calf #1:

Son:  “Dad, can you sneeze with your eyes open?”
Dad: “I strained myself trying to one time”
Son: “I can”
Dad: “Show me”
Son: “First I need an airplane to shove up my nose”

~  Realization with the baby’s name
~ Cherry milkshakes
~ A perfect bead that signifies a broken heart; shared with new friends
~ Taking the kids to story time, and running into a dear old friend
~ A long weekend for Daddy
~ Celebrating Passover with a seder with good friends. . . the bitter of the horseradish and the sweet of the apple, a symbol of the bitterness and sweetness of life
~ Baby’s breath

You can find the gratitude community here

I don’t know why I do this to myself! I read the chapter and watched the video but didn’t have time to write up my thoughts that day, so I put it off for a day.

Next thing I know, it’s been three weeks, argh!!

I WILL FINISH THIS BOOK!!  only two chapters left . . . I can do it right? 

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page 167 ~~

“How much larger your life would be if your self could become smaller in it.”  G K Chesterton

“The joy of small that makes life large.” Ann

Yet we, I, try to escape the smallness of life to get to the bigger and better, the grass-is-always-greener pastures.  How many of my lovely, wonder-filled moments are due to being small? When I have the beautiful realization, understanding of my smallness and His bigness?

Lots of them.

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page 169 ~~

“Expectations kill relationships.” Ann’s mama

“Expectations are pre-meditated resentments.” unknown, quoted by Angie Smith

Boy howdy!!  Yes, indeed!  It’s like a contract that will be broken.

I see this in myself–as a friend, as a wife, as a mother. When I don’t get what I want, what I expect, I am not very fun to be around.  (Sorry to you, my dear Mr. The Bull!)

What is it that scares me about new situations?  I don’t know what to expect.

And when these expectations are on the LORD, how much harder is it?  Faith is hard, especially when He doesn’t meet our expectations or what we have been taught to expect.  I cringe when I remember the church that taught, maybe not in so many words, that all we need to do is have faith and He will do this, whatever it is that we want.  (There’s that contract I mentioned!)  And if we don’t get from Him what we expect, want. . . well, it’s our fault.

Well I guess it is, really, but not really.  (How do I explain this?)  Our fault is in expecting things He’s never promised.  Our fault is not in our not fulfilling our end of the “deal.”  That’s not how He works, usually.

This is what I mean:  I’ve heard that if we pray enough, or have enough faith, He will heal our sick loved ones.  If we sing the proper songs, He will fix our broken relationships.  The cure for a broken heart?  The key to getting what we want in life, whether it be a job or a car or a baby?  It’s almost like ending  a prayer with “in Jesus’ name, amen” is another way of saying “Abracadabra.”

<gag>

But when we have a time like Ann’s with her son in the hospital, it puts our lives and expectations into perspective.  I remember one day of scrubbing the tiled bathtub wall and thinking another Ann thought:  “Smile, you don’t know if you’ll be this way again.”  Within weeks, my life changed and I wished that I could go back to that lovely tiled bathtub wall.

I guess the key is to take all of life as a surprise.  If we expect nothing, everything is a surprise!!

Of course, it’s very well and good to think these lovely thoughts.

but

then

the

glass

breaks . . .

And then what? Where are all my non-expectations now?  They are still right here.   To use Ann’s example, I expect that whoever opens the glass door would shut it when they are done.  I expect that the kids won’t run in the house, I expect that the door would swing out of the way and not shatter.  I expect that nobody would get hurt if the glass did break.  I expect that the children would help clean and not instead point fingers of blame to one another.

For me, personally?  I expect that the paycheck will be on time, that the gas bill will be manageable, that the child’s cough will subside quickly.  That when I spend hours to plan and prepare the school day the children will happily, gratefully sit and do their work without whining, fussing, complaining.  That the hours I spend on fixing meals will be met with something more than “I don’t like this!”

And again, when my expectations are not met. . . watch out!

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page 177 ~~

“A proud man is seldom a grateful man, for he never thinks he gets as much as he deserves.” Henry Ward Beecher.

Good thing I’m not a man. 

(Just kidding.)

It is interesting, this idea of thanking the LORD for all he gives, even the yucky stuff.  I don’t think I deserve the yucky stuff, really.  A very wise man said (Job 2:10) “Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?”  Gulp.

And like Ann, I know that it is best in the situation where I don’t get what I want to keep my mouth shut.  Otherwise what spews from it is moaning, groaning, complaining–the very opposite of thanksgiving.  And that helps nobody.

I need to, like Ann says page 178, let go of my expectations.  I need to accept what He gives me in life and accept that it is given because He loves me, even if it seems bad at the time.

It is hard for me to give up what I want for what He gives.  But I need to do this. . . first off, I can’t make life happen the way I want. Secondly, do I really know what is best for me?

No.

I like the idea of praying with hands open, palms up.  i have a friend who’s done this for years, for this very idea.  I’ve always thought her weird. I understand this better now.